With all the art and stuff you've done what would you be the most proud of?
It's hard to say, really. I'm proud of a lot of the work I've done over the years, but I wouldn't say there are any projects that I'm happy with unconditionally. I'd say I'm proud of the work I did as a whole, but when I take a look at each project I did individually, all I can see are the things I'm not happy with.
My lectures are mostly funny and the format's great, but I would deliver them completely differently now. Specifically my language in them is something I deeply regret that I think has done more harm to the world than it ever did good. They created a reputation for me that I desperately want to escape now.
Some of my shows, like Stealing Your Dad As If It Were Easy, are some of my favorite projects to have worked on but I get a bad taste in my mouth and an upset stomach whenever I think about them now due to their production and the discourse around them.
I had really big plans for Quickdraw, specifically Lonesome Cactus, that never happened because I realized I wanted to take my life in a new direction, away from the public sphere, that the projects were totally incompatible with.
I feel all of these things and more about RFCK and ENDLESS WAR.
With all you've done and all the projects you've worked on would there be anything you would've done differently?
I would do a lot of things differently. Hindsight is 20/20, of course. I'm a completely different person now than I was when I first started making stuff online. I was 13 years old when I first started, 16 when I joined the PCP. Obviously, a lot has changed since then. I do think there's a difference, though, between thinking I made a mistake then and saying I would have done it differently now.
If I could go back in time, I would have done a lot different, but I also would have kept a lot the same. I could talk about what I would and wouldn't do all day, though.
In regards to RFCK, I do think I made a lot of mistakes. The SlimeCorp arc, for instance, was ill-convinced and I talked about that during my last call. It was a narrative that was forced on people from the top down, which made people felt like they needed to wait on it for "official"lore so they were less likely to experiment or create things themselves, and it simultaneously wasn't very good so people didn't want to engage with it even when it did update. Again, that's not to say I regret it, really, and some of the moments from it were my favorite moments in the history of the server, but I would do it a lot differently now.
My gameplay reforms were a mixed bag. They were enforced with a heavy hand and probably did more harm than good in the way they were released. I still do believe in and stand by some of my changes, but I can understand why others would take issue with them. Mostly, I wish I communicated them to the server better. I was trying to make updates for a version of ENDLESS WAR that could exist one day but that didn't exist at the time I created them. I was trying to reform the game piece by piece, but most of my reforms would only make sense after the entire project was redone. Therefore, each piece of the puzzle felt out of place on its own. There were also a lot of outright mistakes and bad decisions too, don't get me wrong, but I think most of the choices made some sort of sense if you knew where I was coming from. I think a lot of people have this vision of what I wanted or what I was that is a few steps removed from reality. I've even seen some people who have tried to defend me that I think totally misunderstand what I was going for. It's not their fault, of course. My persona and my ego prevented me in a lot of circumstances from clearly articulating what I was going for. I don't harbor any grudge to those in the community who criticized me for any of the mistakes I made throughout my time in the server. I get it, it was your game as much as it was mine.
But, speaking personally, those long hours I spent in Nurse's Office and the comments from some of the members of the community did play a role in convincing me to leave. It wasn't just the bad faith criticism, or the outright hate. I think some people think I left just to focus on school, which I did, but it isn't the whole picture. It's hard to describe, really. When you're a creator, you give a lot up for your audience. You give up a lot of time and effort for it. It's a lot of responsibility.
Eventually I began to crack under the pressure. The server had changed, and so did I. When I continuously wasn't meeting people's expectations, and it became clear that people's expectations for me weren't the same I had for myself, I started to rethink what I wanted out of my life. After a while, it seemed like the server would be better off without me. It was at that point I knew it was time to go.
In a way, I still want to go back to all of my unfinished work for the game. I had so many ideas for where I wanted to take things, for both the server in general and the game specifically. I still do have moments where I think "Dude, what if...". This project struck a chord with me in a way no other project did. It was one of the hardest projects to let go of. It was also the project that convinced me I needed to.
With your brief stint of being away so far what are things you miss about RFCK if any?
I used to brag about the community of RFCK to everyone who would listen. You can go back and listen to old PCP episodes and hear me and Ben constantly talking about how one-of-a-kind the server was and about how it was unlike any other fandom I had ever been a part of. It was magical, and I felt like all of the people in it weren't just fans, but my friends. The server used to have this chaotic energy to it, and it was breathtaking to watch people create things for it around the clock.
I'll miss working on the game, coming up with gameplay mechanics and even just the programming itself was fun because I felt like I was working on something special. And, of course, I'll miss the meet ups. I was kind of awkward as a kid and I didn't have a lot of friends growing up, so seeing that many people show up to all celebrate this thing that we had created together will always stick with me.
I'll miss a lot of things about RFCK. The thing is though, that I missed those things about RFCK before I left. The version of the server that I'll remember is long gone now.
I hope the server outlives me. I hope that whatever the game is now, and whatever the state of the community is, I hope that you guys enjoy it and focus on the good times. I hope you guys have the passion and the drive to take it places I could have never imagined taking it. Remember to appreciate what you like about the server because at any moment you could lose it. Really, despite the title, ENDLESS WAR is fleeting. It was, and still can be, something totally uniquely special. But, it's going to take a lot of work. I can't do it anymore. I hope you guys can.

Icon art by Smragnol!